


Eyes Wide Shut

by Brennah_K



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-20
Updated: 2012-03-20
Packaged: 2017-11-02 06:57:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/366205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brennah_K/pseuds/Brennah_K
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A sad, little derivative piece based on a “The Same Coin” by Meri.  While I like her ending, Harry has always seemed breakable, to me, and the scene (quoted below), to my sometimes maudlin imagination, seems like a point that might have been one of those breaking points.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Eyes Wide Shut

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Same Coin](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/7363) by Meri. 



> _Some part of Harry wouldn't let go. Maybe there was a way to fix what he'd done wrong.  
>  Maybe there was something he else could say. Maybe it didn't have to end like this.  
> Maybe his heart wouldn't be broken. "I thought--"_
> 
> _"That always was your problem, Potter, you assumed too much. You assumed that  
>  people would love you just because you were you."_
> 
> _Harry shook his head. His eyes starting to sting as he began to accept the  
>  inevitable. What was so wrong with him that he never found anyone who cared  
> enough to love him? He would have begged Severus to love him, but love was  
> something that had to be given freely or not at all. "No. You're wrong. I never  
> expected anyone to love me, least of all you. I certainly didn't expect  
> to love you, either." Harry's voice shattered completely._
> 
> _"You don't." The denial was total. Severus didn't want his  
>  love, didn't want him. "I know that you don't."_
> 
> _Leaning on his cane, Harry moved slowly toward the door. The raw emotions  
>  crashing through him making the ache so much worse. _
> 
> _"I do. I thought...I'd hoped that you..." He looked up again,  
>  and blinked as his eyes filled. With his last ounce of courage,  
> he took a breath and said, "I thought you might care."  
> He looked hopefully at Severus, but he wouldn't meet Harry's eyes.  
> It was over, before it had even really begun. "I should have known better."_
> 
> _"Yes," Severus' voice was soft with scorn. "You should have."_
> 
> _"Okay. I'll go," Harry said softly, still hoping for a reprieve.  
>  That somehow he'd be found deserving, that somehow Severus would love him,  
> and then knowing that it would never happen. Closing his eyes, Harry willed  
> the tears away. He would not cry. It had been foolish to have expected better.  
> He should never have believed that happiness could be his.  
> “The Same Coin,” by Meri  
> _

When Minerva stood up to make the announcement, Severus’s throat tightened around a heavy sob, refusing to give it voice. 

“It is my sad duty to report…” Minerva began, choking softly on tears of her own as she struggled to regain her comportment, “That our most recent addition to Hogwart's staff, our colleague and former student, Professor Harry Potter passed away this morning.” 

Every outcry, gasp, and pitiful protest heard felt like individual, breath-stealing punches to the direct center of Severus’s rib cage.

Every small proof of their caring and admiration of Harry felt like a resounding accusation. 

The choking feeling grew in force and demand until Severus was nearly clutching the table to keep himself from swaying. 

“As many of you may be aware, Professor Potter retired from the Auror corps with almost crippling injuries… injuries which we believe may have lingered more deeply than even the Healers at St. Mungos were aware of. It is believed that he may have succumbed to these as he took tea yesterday evening. Madam Pomfrey is certain that his passing was both painless and peaceful… as well befitted a brave young man whose youth offered very few moments that were either. The memorial wi—“ 

Her comments broke something loose in Severus, and before he could get control of himself, he rose stumbling from the table, sobs breaking loudly from his throat, and rushed from the dais.

As he escaped the great hall, student’s comments trailed after him, but instead of the hateful, well-deserved chastisements that he’d expected to hear…

“The poor bloke, he’s heart broken.”

“Didn’t you know, he and Potter….” 

“Oh, and I saw Professor Potter at the Hidden Diamond last weekend, do you think he was looking for commitment rings? Oh, how sad.” 

As he fell against a cold slate wall, in the outer hall, trying to slow his breathing enough to walk down to his dungeons, Severus unwillingly listened to the murmurs of sympathy - fighting the urge to return to the hall and strip them of their gullible naiveté by exposing the truth about their hero’s death. 

Potter’s wasted, meaningless death, coaxed to the surface by his intentional mixing of calming draught, heartstill, and breath ease potions heavily into a single cup of tea- while it may not have been wracked with physical torment - was, nevertheless, hardly free from pain. 

As he closed his eyes gulping for air, Severus remembered Potter’s death cries; although, he had not recognized them, at the time, for what they were when he heard them.

_“No. You're wrong. I never expected anyone to love me.”_

Potter’s anguished cry had rung through Severus’s quarters – almost rending Severus’s own heart with its sincerity. But, instead of bending, Severus had steeled himself and ignored the pain he heard – callously forging on in his cowardly desire to spare himself possible embarrassment and pain. 

_“I thought you might care."_ Potter’s miserable cry echoed in his memory. 

How was it possible that he had overlooked the ripped-open scar that it implied? Simply out of fear to risk himself for the dream that he had never believed possible, but that Potter had been freely and willingly giving him without thought of what he was risking. 

But then, they had all overlooked the depths of Potter’s injuries, hadn’t they? 

He, Poppy, Minerva, all … indeed, if Severus were looking to share blame, he could quite probably cast a large portion across the entire wizarding world- across everyone who mindlessly adored Potter’s celebrity while ignoring the beautiful young man at its heart… depriving him of the only thing that he seemed to truly crave… someone to care for him.

Severus’s staunch control was nearly ripped apart as he fought against the nearly overwhelming urge to return to the Great Hall and accuse each and everyone one of Potter’s mourners of their neglect and abuse; anything to lessen the weight of the strangling guilt he felt. 

But even that would have hardly touched the surface of the self-hatred that he was drowning in.


End file.
